Parenting Through Your Mistakes | Better Together | TBN

Parenting Through Your Mistakes | Better Together

Watch Parenting Through Your Mistakes | Better Together
March 18, 2020
26:00

Can we pass down our hard-learned lessons and allow our children to learn from our mistakes? Transparency builds trust! | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Parenting Through Your Mistakes | Better Together

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  • - Do your children thinkyou are a sinner or a saint?
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  • No parent wants to see a child
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  • make the same mistakes they did.
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  • How do we pass along ourtoughest life lessons
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  • to the next generation?
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  • Come on, join the conversation.
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  • (happy uplifting music)
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  • - Okay, y'all, we'vecome to the part
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  • in all our motheringconversations
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  • and talk aboutmistakes and mothering,
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  • and I thought all on this onebecause this resembles me.
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  • (panelists laughs)
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  • Just recently, I came home
  • 00:00:52.642 --> 00:00:54.878
  • had just a crazy,here on fire that day.
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  • I got home, my nephew isliving with us for a while,
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  • he's 20 years old, greatkid, but he doesn't
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  • have his whole frontal lobe,so he's a little messy.
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  • And I walked in thehouse and he and Missy
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  • eminent looked like
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  • jackals had been havinga fraternity party
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  • at our house and howyou just go, ugh.
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  • It's been a really long day,
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  • I don't wanna deal with mykitchen being just wrecked.
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  • And he was running outthe door to Bible Study,
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  • and so he didn't even catch it,
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  • and I thought, I'm noteven gonna say anything now
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  • 'cause he's goingto Bible Study,
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  • so I'll tell him latermaybe to not be so wild.
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  • But Missy caught my face,and Missy's real intuitive
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  • and Missy went,"Mama are you mad."
  • 00:01:36.519 --> 00:01:39.088
  • And I said,
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  • "No, baby, I'm not mad."
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  • And she went, "You look mad."
  • 00:01:41.491 --> 00:01:43.359
  • (Jada laughs)
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  • And I said, "Honey, I'mjust, I'm frustrated,"
  • 00:01:44.627 --> 00:01:47.363
  • I said, "it's beena really long day,
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  • "and to come home and youand John Michael have just
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  • "trashed the house, so I nowneed to clean the house,"
  • 00:01:52.402 --> 00:01:54.470
  • she said, "I'm just alittle bit frustrated,"
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  • and she goes, "Whyare you frustrated?"
  • 00:01:56.639 --> 00:01:58.641
  • And all my Godlywent out the window,
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  • and I went "Becauseyou are both piglets,
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  • "and I came home to this crap."
  • 00:02:03.012 --> 00:02:04.814
  • And I went, huh, you know me,
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  • I didn't mean tosay that out loud!
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  • And I don't normallysay that word.
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  • I know it's not agood Bible word,
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  • but I just,
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  • I was at the end of my rope.- Yeah.
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  • - And as soon as I said it,I watched her shut down.
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  • Because that's howMissy deals with
  • 00:02:16.492 --> 00:02:18.695
  • if I'm inappropriate,she will shut down,
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  • and then I said, "Honey,I'm really sorry."
  • 00:02:20.496 --> 00:02:23.299
  • I said, "I shouldn't have said
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  • "you were a piglet, notshouldn't use that word.
  • 00:02:24.567 --> 00:02:26.536
  • "That's an uglyword", and it was
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  • I will give youmy Haitian stare.
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  • I will not join the conversation
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  • that's how she deals,
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  • and I said,
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  • "Okay, baby, go getthe feeling chart."
  • 00:02:35.311 --> 00:02:36.679
  • And we have, the chart of faces
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  • and the faces have anemotion below them,
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  • so you've got a happy face,you've got a sad face.
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  • When she didn't speakEnglish, we used that chart
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  • from, we did a lotof play therapy,
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  • and now I love that chart,
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  • sometimes, sometimesI hate that chart.
  • 00:02:49.425 --> 00:02:51.160
  • (panelists laughs)But anyway, she brings
  • 00:02:51.160 --> 00:02:52.228
  • the chart in, and I said,
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  • " You wanna tell me whatyou're feelings is?"
  • 00:02:54.030 --> 00:02:55.531
  • She goes "Yes, ma'am,
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  • "I am mad, I am sad,I am frustrated,
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  • "and I'm disappointed."
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  • - Gold star and all.
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  • - And I was like--
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  • - Wow.- Okay.
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  • And I said, "That'stotally fair."
  • 00:03:05.575 --> 00:03:07.110
  • I said, "If my mama came inand told me I was a piglet,
  • 00:03:07.110 --> 00:03:09.946
  • "and used the word crap,
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  • "I'd probably be allthose things too."
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  • And I said, "So,that's totally fair."
  • 00:03:13.082 --> 00:03:14.984
  • I said, "Is thereanything I can do
  • 00:03:14.984 --> 00:03:17.854
  • "to help you move backtoward peace and joy?"
  • 00:03:17.854 --> 00:03:22.859
  • She said, "Yes, ma'am."
  • 00:03:23.593 --> 00:03:24.661
  • I said, "All right."
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  • I said, "Besides apologizing,"
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  • and I had alreadytold her I was sorry,
  • 00:03:27.363 --> 00:03:28.398
  • I said, "What can I do?"
  • 00:03:28.398 --> 00:03:29.198
  • And she said,
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  • "I want you to write theway you made me write."
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  • Because we had been onplane earlier that week,
  • 00:03:32.468 --> 00:03:34.437
  • and she had beennaughty on the plane,
  • 00:03:34.437 --> 00:03:36.139
  • (laughs)and I didn't wanna
  • 00:03:36.139 --> 00:03:37.640
  • discipline her with wordswith all the people around,
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  • so I was just like you willwrite either I will not.
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  • She had written thatin her notebook,
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  • and I said, "Honey,that's fair."
  • 00:03:43.746 --> 00:03:45.381
  • I said, "You get avote in this house,
  • 00:03:45.381 --> 00:03:46.983
  • "I was inappropriate."
  • 00:03:46.983 --> 00:03:47.850
  • I said, "I'll write.
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  • "What would youlike me to write?"
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  • She said, "I want you to writeI will not raise my voice."
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  • So like, that's fair,using her pencil.
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  • I will not raise myvoice, so she said
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  • several other thingsshe wanted me to own.
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  • The third or fourth thing was,
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  • "I want you to sayI will not be sad."
  • 00:04:01.030 --> 00:04:03.700
  • And I said, "Well,baby I can't write
  • 00:04:03.700 --> 00:04:05.101
  • "I will not be sad,
  • 00:04:05.101 --> 00:04:06.369
  • "'cause some of thestuff we're dealing
  • 00:04:06.369 --> 00:04:07.303
  • "with this family right now,
  • 00:04:07.303 --> 00:04:08.805
  • "we've got some addictionissues with our family,"
  • 00:04:08.805 --> 00:04:10.573
  • and I said, "Some ofthat stuff makes me sad."
  • 00:04:10.573 --> 00:04:13.209
  • I said, "I'll tellyou what I can write.
  • 00:04:13.209 --> 00:04:15.011
  • "I can write I willwork on being less sad,
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  • "and focus more on thehope we have in Jesus,"
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  • and she said, "That'sgood Mama, that's good."
  • 00:04:20.883 --> 00:04:22.218
  • ( Jada laughing)Well, so anyway,
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  • we write it all,
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  • it's done, it's everything'skind of rock solid,
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  • everything's good,two days later,
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  • this group of peoplecame over to our house
  • 00:04:28.391 --> 00:04:30.827
  • 'cause they were havinga little interview
  • 00:04:30.827 --> 00:04:32.362
  • with Missy on adoption,
  • 00:04:32.362 --> 00:04:34.464
  • and so she wasinterviewing with them,
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  • and I said, "Baby, youwant me in the living room
  • 00:04:36.265 --> 00:04:38.000
  • "while they talk to you,
  • 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:39.202
  • "or do you want meto give you privacy?"
  • 00:04:39.202 --> 00:04:40.670
  • And she was like, "I wannado this one by myself, mama."
  • 00:04:40.670 --> 00:04:41.604
  • I was like, "That's cool."
  • 00:04:41.604 --> 00:04:43.339
  • So, I go out andsat on the porch,
  • 00:04:43.339 --> 00:04:44.707
  • a friend had comeover, we were talking.
  • 00:04:44.707 --> 00:04:46.209
  • Well, after like an hour,the video guy comes out,
  • 00:04:46.209 --> 00:04:48.778
  • and he goes, "Man, yourkid is so intuitive."
  • 00:04:48.778 --> 00:04:52.014
  • I was like, "really?"
  • 00:04:52.014 --> 00:04:53.449
  • 'cause a lot of times, peoplemiss that in her because
  • 00:04:53.449 --> 00:04:55.918
  • she didn't learnEnglish until later.
  • 00:04:55.918 --> 00:04:57.954
  • It's just easy to missunless you really focus.
  • 00:04:57.954 --> 00:05:00.523
  • And I said, "Well,that's great."
  • 00:05:00.523 --> 00:05:01.891
  • Of course I thinkshe's, you know,
  • 00:05:01.891 --> 00:05:03.760
  • smarter than Einstein,
  • 00:05:03.760 --> 00:05:04.994
  • and little bitpathologically biased.
  • 00:05:04.994 --> 00:05:07.063
  • And he said, "Yeah", he goes,
  • 00:05:07.063 --> 00:05:08.631
  • "I mean, I was gettingB- roll in your house,
  • 00:05:08.631 --> 00:05:10.466
  • "and the whole, I willwork on being less sad."
  • 00:05:10.466 --> 00:05:14.137
  • (Laurie laughing)
  • 00:05:14.137 --> 00:05:15.338
  • And I said, "Oh no,no, no, no, no."
  • 00:05:15.338 --> 00:05:16.439
  • - You did for the child- That was me.
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  • She had taken it,unbeknownst to me,
  • 00:05:18.574 --> 00:05:20.410
  • taken that pieceof notebook paper,
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  • I had written inpencil, she had put,
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  • you know, the magnetic stripyou put their artwork on,
  • 00:05:23.346 --> 00:05:25.982
  • she had just I mean, high, largeand charge put it up there,
  • 00:05:25.982 --> 00:05:29.118
  • (panelists laughs)when I can see,
  • 00:05:29.118 --> 00:05:30.086
  • I had missed it, and I was like,
  • 00:05:30.086 --> 00:05:32.021
  • "Oh, no, that was all me."
  • 00:05:32.021 --> 00:05:33.923
  • - Yeah.- I said, you can use it
  • 00:05:33.923 --> 00:05:35.158
  • then you'll be alright--- You will be alright.
  • 00:05:35.158 --> 00:05:36.225
  • - Yeah.- That was actually me.
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  • But it was so good for me totell her "I'm really sorry.
  • 00:05:37.827 --> 00:05:41.664
  • "I'm the Mama, I'm in charge,
  • 00:05:41.664 --> 00:05:44.033
  • "but it's also incumbent upon me
  • 00:05:44.033 --> 00:05:45.902
  • "when I am unkind to you to say
  • 00:05:45.902 --> 00:05:48.604
  • "I'm really sorry,that wasn't okay."
  • 00:05:48.604 --> 00:05:52.175
  • And I just, I know peoplehave a whole lot of
  • 00:05:52.175 --> 00:05:55.211
  • different opinions on that,
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  • and some mamas think
  • 00:05:56.546 --> 00:05:58.047
  • you don't ever let yourguard down with your kids,
  • 00:05:58.047 --> 00:06:00.349
  • but I think part ofearning her respect,
  • 00:06:00.349 --> 00:06:03.920
  • is for me to acknowledge--
  • 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:05.354
  • - Absolutely- When I'm not
  • 00:06:05.354 --> 00:06:06.189
  • being a Godly mama.
  • 00:06:06.189 --> 00:06:07.457
  • So, how do y'all handlemistakes with your kids?
  • 00:06:07.457 --> 00:06:10.293
  • - I know there havebeen times that
  • 00:06:11.427 --> 00:06:12.962
  • I haven't done thingsright, that maybe
  • 00:06:12.962 --> 00:06:15.565
  • I had a bad attitudein front of my child,
  • 00:06:15.565 --> 00:06:18.868
  • and I knew that I hadto make that right,
  • 00:06:18.868 --> 00:06:21.471
  • and come and said,you know what,
  • 00:06:22.605 --> 00:06:23.973
  • that was not theway to handle that,
  • 00:06:23.973 --> 00:06:26.075
  • so let's take care of that.
  • 00:06:26.075 --> 00:06:27.510
  • I mean, I have goneback to school teachers
  • 00:06:27.510 --> 00:06:30.847
  • with flowers and gifts,
  • 00:06:30.847 --> 00:06:32.815
  • apologizing for somethingthat I did or said,
  • 00:06:32.815 --> 00:06:36.185
  • we all mess up
  • 00:06:37.520 --> 00:06:38.855
  • in so many ways,
  • 00:06:40.122 --> 00:06:41.457
  • and I think it's always good to
  • 00:06:41.457 --> 00:06:42.758
  • show our children howto say they're sorry,
  • 00:06:42.758 --> 00:06:45.561
  • and how to forgive.
  • 00:06:45.561 --> 00:06:46.762
  • - I don't think Iapologize probably
  • 00:06:48.297 --> 00:06:50.066
  • as much as I should,
  • 00:06:50.066 --> 00:06:51.934
  • but
  • 00:06:51.934 --> 00:06:53.436
  • I do make it a point, againnow that my son is older,
  • 00:06:53.436 --> 00:06:56.706
  • he will say, evenwhen he's wrong,
  • 00:06:56.706 --> 00:06:59.642
  • especially becausehe's a sensitive one,
  • 00:06:59.642 --> 00:07:01.277
  • he'll go, "Mom, you don'thave to say it like that."
  • 00:07:01.277 --> 00:07:03.746
  • And I go, "You're right,I did not, You're right."
  • 00:07:03.746 --> 00:07:06.449
  • - Right- I said,
  • 00:07:06.449 --> 00:07:07.583
  • "Mom gets frustrated,"
  • 00:07:07.583 --> 00:07:09.752
  • I said because I'vehad to say this--
  • 00:07:09.752 --> 00:07:11.954
  • - Right- A trillion times.
  • 00:07:11.954 --> 00:07:13.356
  • - Right.- Yeah.
  • 00:07:13.356 --> 00:07:14.724
  • - (laughs) He'll go, "Okay."
  • 00:07:14.724 --> 00:07:15.992
  • I said, "But I needto be more careful."
  • 00:07:15.992 --> 00:07:19.095
  • - Right.- "I didn't ever want"
  • 00:07:19.095 --> 00:07:20.329
  • - Yeah.- "To hurt your feelings."
  • 00:07:20.329 --> 00:07:21.297
  • - Right.- Because,
  • 00:07:21.297 --> 00:07:22.565
  • he had this thinghe used to ask me
  • 00:07:22.565 --> 00:07:24.066
  • when he was two or three,he could look at my face
  • 00:07:24.066 --> 00:07:25.868
  • when he did something, he'dgo, "Are you happy with me?"
  • 00:07:25.868 --> 00:07:29.605
  • And I would say, "Always,always happy with you.
  • 00:07:29.605 --> 00:07:32.942
  • "Not happy with what you'vedone, your decisions."
  • 00:07:32.942 --> 00:07:35.845
  • - [Lisa] You're right, right.
  • 00:07:35.845 --> 00:07:37.246
  • - It took him a whileto separate the two.
  • 00:07:37.246 --> 00:07:38.981
  • - Right.- But as I've
  • 00:07:38.981 --> 00:07:40.216
  • talked about thatmore and apologized,
  • 00:07:40.216 --> 00:07:42.184
  • and I'll say "This isnot good, you are good."
  • 00:07:42.184 --> 00:07:44.754
  • - Right, you know exactly.- Yes.
  • 00:07:44.754 --> 00:07:45.988
  • - And he'll go, "Ah, okay."
  • 00:07:45.988 --> 00:07:47.557
  • - Right.- And then he'll come to me
  • 00:07:47.557 --> 00:07:48.624
  • and say,
  • 00:07:48.624 --> 00:07:50.126
  • "I know why you raised yourvoice, my room is messy."
  • 00:07:50.126 --> 00:07:52.328
  • - Great, right.- I said it is
  • 00:07:52.328 --> 00:07:53.529
  • horribly messy--
  • 00:07:53.529 --> 00:07:54.630
  • - Right.- But, I can talk
  • 00:07:54.630 --> 00:07:55.498
  • to you better.
  • 00:07:55.498 --> 00:07:56.532
  • - Right.- And he said, "Okay,
  • 00:07:56.532 --> 00:07:57.733
  • and I'll clean myroom better." (laughs)
  • 00:07:57.733 --> 00:07:58.668
  • - Right.- And it's been
  • 00:07:58.668 --> 00:07:59.502
  • a tension to own that,
  • 00:07:59.502 --> 00:08:01.070
  • but not make him feellike he's entitled to it
  • 00:08:01.070 --> 00:08:04.273
  • in order to obey.
  • 00:08:04.273 --> 00:08:05.308
  • - Right.- Right, so I'm like,
  • 00:08:05.308 --> 00:08:06.442
  • "Yes, mom makes mistakes,
  • 00:08:06.442 --> 00:08:08.411
  • "but you still need to obey"
  • 00:08:08.411 --> 00:08:10.546
  • - Right- "And I will do my best
  • 00:08:10.546 --> 00:08:11.480
  • "to own mine, but if I don't..."
  • 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:13.049
  • And there have been times where
  • 00:08:13.049 --> 00:08:13.950
  • I'm like--- That's right.
  • 00:08:13.950 --> 00:08:15.184
  • - "You're right, butwe're "not gonna talk
  • 00:08:15.184 --> 00:08:15.985
  • about that right now."
  • 00:08:15.985 --> 00:08:16.719
  • - Right.- Yeah--
  • 00:08:16.719 --> 00:08:18.154
  • - "We're not gonna talk abouthow I said it right now.
  • 00:08:18.154 --> 00:08:18.955
  • "Right now, get that--"
  • 00:08:18.955 --> 00:08:20.156
  • - That's right.- "And then later on
  • 00:08:20.156 --> 00:08:21.624
  • "we can talk about that 'causethis is not negotiation."
  • 00:08:21.624 --> 00:08:23.159
  • - Right- And then I get--
  • 00:08:23.159 --> 00:08:24.560
  • - Have to have that.
  • 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:25.628
  • - You obey.
  • 00:08:25.628 --> 00:08:26.762
  • - Negotiation--- So, there's a tension
  • 00:08:26.762 --> 00:08:27.997
  • between is this ateachable moment, or
  • 00:08:27.997 --> 00:08:29.265
  • are you trying to stall me, or--
  • 00:08:29.265 --> 00:08:30.666
  • - Right- That kind of thing.
  • 00:08:30.666 --> 00:08:31.934
  • - And I told Missy"it's a benevolent
  • 00:08:31.934 --> 00:08:33.603
  • "dictatorship, I am the mama."
  • 00:08:33.603 --> 00:08:36.339
  • - Yeah.- God put me in charge.
  • 00:08:36.339 --> 00:08:37.573
  • - Who has the calling?
  • 00:08:37.573 --> 00:08:38.407
  • (collective chatter)
  • 00:08:38.407 --> 00:08:40.209
  • - But it's an authoritythat loves her--
  • 00:08:40.209 --> 00:08:43.913
  • - Yeah.- As best I can
  • 00:08:43.913 --> 00:08:45.181
  • the way Jesus loves us.
  • 00:08:45.181 --> 00:08:46.215
  • - [Laurie] Yeah.
  • 00:08:46.215 --> 00:08:47.416
  • - So, when I can,I've been toward her,
  • 00:08:47.416 --> 00:08:49.585
  • but I am the authorityaccording to the Lord,
  • 00:08:49.585 --> 00:08:53.289
  • but it's I used tothink discipline was
  • 00:08:53.289 --> 00:08:55.691
  • kinda this unibrowed angry,
  • 00:08:55.691 --> 00:08:57.126
  • I'm gonna smack you overthe head with a Bible.
  • 00:08:57.126 --> 00:08:58.594
  • That's even what I saw ofGod's authority, and to realize
  • 00:08:58.594 --> 00:09:02.298
  • there is an authority that is
  • 00:09:02.298 --> 00:09:04.467
  • so gracious and so sacrificial,
  • 00:09:04.467 --> 00:09:07.770
  • and then
  • 00:09:07.770 --> 00:09:09.171
  • with Missy, I know allkids are different,
  • 00:09:09.171 --> 00:09:11.173
  • but she wants toobey and respect--
  • 00:09:11.173 --> 00:09:14.644
  • - Yeah.- A lot of the time,
  • 00:09:14.644 --> 00:09:15.878
  • not all of the time,but a lot of the time
  • 00:09:15.878 --> 00:09:18.280
  • because I've treated herwith so much kindness
  • 00:09:18.280 --> 00:09:20.383
  • and respect, and I valueher, then she goes,
  • 00:09:20.383 --> 00:09:23.019
  • "Well, I want todo what mom says."
  • 00:09:23.019 --> 00:09:25.454
  • Not all the time,and we also haven't
  • 00:09:25.454 --> 00:09:27.323
  • gone through puberty yet,so this could shift wildly,
  • 00:09:27.323 --> 00:09:30.092
  • (Panelists laughs)
  • 00:09:30.092 --> 00:09:30.926
  • but I hope
  • 00:09:30.926 --> 00:09:32.194
  • I always treat her thatshe's worth respecting.
  • 00:09:32.194 --> 00:09:36.699
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:09:36.699 --> 00:09:37.933
  • We actually usea lot of language
  • 00:09:37.933 --> 00:09:40.336
  • around separatingher choices and
  • 00:09:40.336 --> 00:09:42.672
  • her behavior form herheart and her worth,
  • 00:09:42.672 --> 00:09:45.408
  • so I will say, "honeyI'm disappointed,
  • 00:09:45.408 --> 00:09:48.244
  • "or I'm frustrated bywhat you chose to do,
  • 00:09:48.244 --> 00:09:50.880
  • "or how you chose to behave,
  • 00:09:50.880 --> 00:09:52.281
  • "but I think youhung in the moon."
  • 00:09:52.281 --> 00:09:55.484
  • Missy is very preoccupiedwith fearness.
  • 00:09:55.484 --> 00:09:58.754
  • She's got a realstrong just of spirit.
  • 00:09:58.754 --> 00:10:01.257
  • So, when something we'vehad kind of an impasse,
  • 00:10:01.257 --> 00:10:03.826
  • or a problem, or a messychapter in our little family,
  • 00:10:03.826 --> 00:10:07.163
  • she will often say, "Whosefault was that, mama?"
  • 00:10:07.163 --> 00:10:10.566
  • If I say, "Well, baby thatwas both of our faults,
  • 00:10:12.001 --> 00:10:14.270
  • "you know, youwere disrespectful,
  • 00:10:14.270 --> 00:10:15.471
  • "but I was inpatient,"
  • 00:10:15.471 --> 00:10:17.306
  • she'll say, "Who hadmore fault, mama?"
  • 00:10:17.306 --> 00:10:20.042
  • She wants to say veryclearly delineate
  • 00:10:20.042 --> 00:10:22.311
  • whose fault it was,and I've learned,
  • 00:10:22.311 --> 00:10:24.680
  • I've tried to bereal honest with her,
  • 00:10:24.680 --> 00:10:26.582
  • and no wonder I takemost of the blame,
  • 00:10:26.582 --> 00:10:28.317
  • because as the adult, Ibear more responsibility,
  • 00:10:28.317 --> 00:10:31.320
  • but if I say, "Baby,that was a 70-30.
  • 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:33.723
  • "I think that was 70% my fault,
  • 00:10:33.723 --> 00:10:35.558
  • "and about 30% your fault
  • 00:10:35.558 --> 00:10:37.226
  • "for being whatever it was,unkind, disrespectful."
  • 00:10:37.226 --> 00:10:40.763
  • And I'll say, "buthere's the deal,
  • 00:10:40.763 --> 00:10:42.565
  • "We've gotta moveforward together,
  • 00:10:42.565 --> 00:10:45.234
  • "so regardless ofwhose fault it was,
  • 00:10:45.234 --> 00:10:47.470
  • "we've gotta ownwhat we can own,
  • 00:10:47.470 --> 00:10:48.971
  • "and then you and I have tocome together, as Harper girls,
  • 00:10:48.971 --> 00:10:51.640
  • "and move forward,
  • 00:10:51.640 --> 00:10:53.309
  • so we don't trip inthat same hole again."
  • 00:10:53.309 --> 00:10:55.778
  • And so, I think to have aredemptive parenting style,
  • 00:10:55.778 --> 00:10:59.315
  • redemptive relational style,
  • 00:10:59.315 --> 00:11:01.150
  • means you own what you can own,
  • 00:11:01.150 --> 00:11:03.419
  • but then you move forward
  • 00:11:03.419 --> 00:11:05.020
  • shoulder-to-shoulder,hand-in-hand.
  • 00:11:05.020 --> 00:11:06.989
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:11:06.989 --> 00:11:07.022
  • - I just had asituation with my son,
  • 00:11:07.890 --> 00:11:09.325
  • my oldest son,
  • 00:11:09.325 --> 00:11:10.226
  • he's a lot like I am,
  • 00:11:11.494 --> 00:11:13.496
  • which is funny becausewe aren't biologically,
  • 00:11:13.496 --> 00:11:15.998
  • you know, connected.
  • 00:11:15.998 --> 00:11:16.999
  • - Yeah
  • 00:11:16.999 --> 00:11:17.933
  • - But we just had a situation
  • 00:11:17.933 --> 00:11:19.568
  • where my youngestson, he sneaks food
  • 00:11:19.568 --> 00:11:22.905
  • like all the time,(Panelists laughs)
  • 00:11:22.905 --> 00:11:24.673
  • and a cupcake went missing,
  • 00:11:24.673 --> 00:11:26.909
  • (panelists laughs)
  • 00:11:26.909 --> 00:11:28.344
  • I knew I only had three cupcakes
  • 00:11:28.344 --> 00:11:30.513
  • because he didn'tgo to the party
  • 00:11:30.513 --> 00:11:31.981
  • because he decidedto sneak something
  • 00:11:31.981 --> 00:11:33.549
  • and hide it right before theparty, so he stayed home.
  • 00:11:33.549 --> 00:11:36.519
  • And we couldn'tfind the cupcake,
  • 00:11:36.519 --> 00:11:40.055
  • and I brought himin, and I said,
  • 00:11:40.055 --> 00:11:41.991
  • "Levi, did you eat the cupcake?"
  • 00:11:41.991 --> 00:11:44.460
  • And he was like,
  • 00:11:44.460 --> 00:11:45.728
  • "I ate a piece of it."
  • 00:11:48.631 --> 00:11:50.533
  • And so--
  • 00:11:50.533 --> 00:11:52.101
  • - A Whole piece. (laughs)- I go on to correct him,
  • 00:11:52.101 --> 00:11:53.402
  • and my oldest sonjumps in and says,
  • 00:11:53.402 --> 00:11:55.104
  • "Wait a minute, because I don'tthink he ate the cupcake."
  • 00:11:55.104 --> 00:11:59.441
  • My first initialresponse wanted to be,
  • 00:11:59.441 --> 00:12:02.411
  • "You go mind your--"
  • 00:12:02.411 --> 00:12:03.746
  • - Right- "How many times
  • 00:12:03.746 --> 00:12:04.613
  • do I have to tell you",
  • 00:12:04.613 --> 00:12:05.548
  • - All right.- Right.
  • 00:12:05.548 --> 00:12:06.482
  • - But the holy spirit said
  • 00:12:06.482 --> 00:12:07.449
  • "he needs to know that it's okay
  • 00:12:07.449 --> 00:12:09.552
  • "to stand up forwhat he believes in."
  • 00:12:09.552 --> 00:12:11.554
  • And I said, "Okay, Connor.
  • 00:12:11.554 --> 00:12:13.022
  • "Please explain to mewhy you don't feel like."
  • 00:12:13.022 --> 00:12:15.457
  • He said, "Because hehas to have a problem
  • 00:12:15.457 --> 00:12:17.760
  • "if he's sneakingall of those things.
  • 00:12:17.760 --> 00:12:19.829
  • "I think the cupcakewas just misplaced,
  • 00:12:19.829 --> 00:12:22.097
  • "and now he's owning it."
  • 00:12:22.097 --> 00:12:24.433
  • I said, "Well, so thathe's already owned it,
  • 00:12:24.433 --> 00:12:26.602
  • "so let's justleave it at that."
  • 00:12:26.602 --> 00:12:29.171
  • He's like, "Well fine,I hear what you say,
  • 00:12:29.171 --> 00:12:31.941
  • "but I don't believe that."
  • 00:12:31.941 --> 00:12:33.142
  • So, he goes to lookfor the cupcake.
  • 00:12:33.142 --> 00:12:34.577
  • (Lisa laughs)
  • 00:12:34.577 --> 00:12:35.744
  • So, we found onecupcake, and I'm like,
  • 00:12:35.744 --> 00:12:37.847
  • "Well, maybe heate the other one."
  • 00:12:37.847 --> 00:12:40.182
  • And he was like, "Okay, fine."
  • 00:12:40.182 --> 00:12:42.518
  • And I'm so bent onbeing right sometimes,
  • 00:12:42.518 --> 00:12:46.522
  • and he's the same exact way, so
  • 00:12:46.522 --> 00:12:48.624
  • him and I are like(punching noises).
  • 00:12:48.624 --> 00:12:50.659
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:12:50.659 --> 00:12:51.427
  • - He, it was crazy because
  • 00:12:52.361 --> 00:12:55.130
  • I ended up finding the cupcakeafter this long lecture--
  • 00:12:55.130 --> 00:12:58.734
  • - Right.- But I was by myself
  • 00:12:58.734 --> 00:12:59.835
  • when I found it.
  • 00:12:59.835 --> 00:13:00.703
  • - Right.- And so I said,
  • 00:13:00.703 --> 00:13:02.171
  • and I shoved it down in my bag,
  • 00:13:02.171 --> 00:13:04.273
  • (Lisa laughs)and I'm like,
  • 00:13:04.273 --> 00:13:05.207
  • "Hey, nobody has to know."
  • 00:13:05.207 --> 00:13:06.275
  • (Lisa laughing loudly)
  • 00:13:06.275 --> 00:13:08.110
  • - You know, so--- Yeah, is do me right.
  • 00:13:08.110 --> 00:13:09.478
  • - Later I came back,and I said, "Come here."
  • 00:13:09.478 --> 00:13:11.881
  • And I held his hand and said,
  • 00:13:11.881 --> 00:13:13.148
  • "I need you to knowI found the cupcake.
  • 00:13:13.148 --> 00:13:15.885
  • "You were right, Iappreciate you for
  • 00:13:15.885 --> 00:13:18.454
  • "standing up for your brother
  • 00:13:18.454 --> 00:13:19.655
  • "and speaking on whatyou believed in."
  • 00:13:19.655 --> 00:13:22.091
  • I said, "I need you to do that,
  • 00:13:22.091 --> 00:13:23.292
  • "and you did itvery respectfully."
  • 00:13:23.292 --> 00:13:24.994
  • I said, "And I apologizefor how strong I was
  • 00:13:24.994 --> 00:13:28.797
  • "in telling you thatyou were wrong."
  • 00:13:28.797 --> 00:13:31.200
  • And I went to Levi andI said, "What happened?"
  • 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.502
  • And he said, "Well,sometimes when you ask me
  • 00:13:33.502 --> 00:13:36.038
  • "did I do it and I'mtelling you no I didn't,
  • 00:13:36.038 --> 00:13:38.107
  • "no I didn't, no I didn't",
  • 00:13:38.107 --> 00:13:40.042
  • he said, "and I don't wannaget in trouble for lying,
  • 00:13:40.042 --> 00:13:42.611
  • "so I just said I did it,so you would stop asking."
  • 00:13:42.611 --> 00:13:45.981
  • So, he owned, I said,
  • 00:13:45.981 --> 00:13:47.716
  • "I don't ever want you toown something that is not."
  • 00:13:47.716 --> 00:13:50.953
  • - Yeah.- I said,
  • 00:13:50.953 --> 00:13:52.154
  • " I apologize if I makeyou feel that way."
  • 00:13:52.154 --> 00:13:54.256
  • You know--
  • 00:13:54.256 --> 00:13:55.357
  • - Yeah.- "You stand firm on
  • 00:13:55.357 --> 00:13:56.625
  • "if you didn't do it--"
  • 00:13:56.625 --> 00:13:57.760
  • - Right.- "Just own that,"
  • 00:13:57.760 --> 00:13:59.328
  • and I will do betterwith trying to
  • 00:13:59.328 --> 00:14:03.065
  • 'cause they lieabout certain things.
  • 00:14:03.065 --> 00:14:05.200
  • - Like, I know you're lying.- Yeah.
  • 00:14:05.200 --> 00:14:06.802
  • (Laurie laughing)
  • 00:14:06.802 --> 00:14:08.037
  • - It's such a hard road.
  • 00:14:08.037 --> 00:14:10.105
  • - And my son lookedat me, and he starts,
  • 00:14:10.105 --> 00:14:12.041
  • and I said, "don't get cocky."
  • 00:14:12.041 --> 00:14:13.075
  • - That's right.- That's right.
  • 00:14:13.075 --> 00:14:14.243
  • (collective chatterand laughing)
  • 00:14:14.243 --> 00:14:16.545
  • - He was like," I'mlike I told you."
  • 00:14:16.545 --> 00:14:18.881
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:14:18.881 --> 00:14:19.682
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:14:19.682 --> 00:14:21.450
  • - Y'all, please connectwith us on social media.
  • 00:14:21.450 --> 00:14:23.786
  • - Like, comment,
  • 00:14:23.786 --> 00:14:25.054
  • and share your favoritemoments from today.
  • 00:14:25.054 --> 00:14:27.523
  • - We can't wait for youto join our community.
  • 00:14:27.523 --> 00:14:30.092
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:14:30.092 --> 00:14:33.395
  • - I'm gonna speak onbehalf of us three.
  • 00:14:33.395 --> 00:14:35.130
  • I'm gonna take someliberties because
  • 00:14:35.130 --> 00:14:36.765
  • I am old chronologically,
  • 00:14:36.765 --> 00:14:37.900
  • but I'm a pretty young mom,
  • 00:14:37.900 --> 00:14:39.301
  • I've been a parentfor six years.
  • 00:14:39.301 --> 00:14:41.170
  • And so, I wanty'all to talk about,
  • 00:14:41.170 --> 00:14:43.939
  • 'cause I do thinkit's appropriate
  • 00:14:43.939 --> 00:14:45.374
  • for us to say we're sorry,to own our mistakes,
  • 00:14:45.374 --> 00:14:47.576
  • and to retain our authority,
  • 00:14:47.576 --> 00:14:49.411
  • so when is a time that y'all go
  • 00:14:49.411 --> 00:14:51.613
  • don't own that mistake
  • 00:14:51.613 --> 00:14:53.449
  • or own it in a waythat's age-appropriate.
  • 00:14:53.449 --> 00:14:55.951
  • 'cause both of you haveparented for longer than us,
  • 00:14:55.951 --> 00:14:58.120
  • so, as a mama,
  • 00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.688
  • where is the place that you go,
  • 00:14:59.688 --> 00:15:01.023
  • they don't need to know that yet
  • 00:15:01.023 --> 00:15:02.858
  • about a mistake in my story,
  • 00:15:02.858 --> 00:15:04.927
  • or how to navigate that,
  • 00:15:04.927 --> 00:15:06.228
  • 'cause it is --
  • 00:15:06.228 --> 00:15:07.262
  • - Oh yeah.- It's not cut and dry.
  • 00:15:07.262 --> 00:15:08.564
  • - I had an aunt,and at the time,
  • 00:15:08.564 --> 00:15:10.399
  • she wasn't married,so I was like,
  • 00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:13.135
  • "So, auntie, when were youmarried and what happened?"
  • 00:15:13.135 --> 00:15:17.740
  • And she gave me thisvery high-level response.
  • 00:15:17.740 --> 00:15:21.510
  • She just said, "Yes marriedand it didn't last."
  • 00:15:21.510 --> 00:15:24.179
  • I said, "But what happened?"
  • 00:15:24.179 --> 00:15:25.414
  • I asked again just incase she didn't hear me.
  • 00:15:25.414 --> 00:15:27.016
  • - Right.
  • 00:15:27.016 --> 00:15:27.950
  • - I said, "What happened?"
  • 00:15:27.950 --> 00:15:29.151
  • And she said, "You know,if I ever feel like
  • 00:15:29.151 --> 00:15:31.687
  • "me sharing that with you, willbe helpful to you, I will."
  • 00:15:31.687 --> 00:15:35.190
  • - Wow.- "But if there's no reason
  • 00:15:35.190 --> 00:15:36.792
  • "for me to tell you,
  • 00:15:36.792 --> 00:15:38.260
  • "I don't wanna go back tosomething that I'm done with."
  • 00:15:38.260 --> 00:15:41.997
  • - So good.- And I was mad then
  • 00:15:41.997 --> 00:15:42.931
  • because I wanted the juice.
  • 00:15:42.931 --> 00:15:44.199
  • (collective chatterand laughter)
  • 00:15:44.199 --> 00:15:45.401
  • And I was like," no,tell me what happened!"
  • 00:15:45.401 --> 00:15:47.403
  • But I've neverforgotten that, so--
  • 00:15:47.403 --> 00:15:49.238
  • - That's good.- With my oldest daughter
  • 00:15:49.238 --> 00:15:50.305
  • being 28, the next one being 24.
  • 00:15:50.305 --> 00:15:52.908
  • There is something fun
  • 00:15:53.776 --> 00:15:55.010
  • that I've done witheach one of them,
  • 00:15:55.010 --> 00:15:56.712
  • for about three years,
  • 00:15:57.913 --> 00:15:59.281
  • and then I got away from it,
  • 00:15:59.281 --> 00:16:00.716
  • but 14, 15, and 16,
  • 00:16:00.716 --> 00:16:02.951
  • I would take themto dinner, coffee,
  • 00:16:02.951 --> 00:16:05.220
  • and I would bring one ofthe journals that I have
  • 00:16:05.220 --> 00:16:06.955
  • from my teen ages,
  • 00:16:06.955 --> 00:16:08.123
  • and I'd read a page to them.- Wow.
  • 00:16:08.123 --> 00:16:09.892
  • - And I would tell them that--
  • 00:16:09.892 --> 00:16:11.660
  • - The right page.
  • 00:16:11.660 --> 00:16:13.595
  • - Pick the right page,
  • 00:16:13.595 --> 00:16:14.563
  • (panelists laughs)
  • 00:16:14.563 --> 00:16:15.497
  • But it was such a treat, I said,
  • 00:16:15.497 --> 00:16:16.832
  • "I'm reading this to you
  • 00:16:16.832 --> 00:16:18.267
  • "as proof that I'vebeen where you are,
  • 00:16:18.267 --> 00:16:21.236
  • "and I know how you feel."
  • 00:16:21.236 --> 00:16:22.571
  • - Yeah.- Wow.
  • 00:16:22.571 --> 00:16:23.839
  • - And of course, they'dwant me to keep reading.
  • 00:16:23.839 --> 00:16:24.973
  • - Right.
  • 00:16:24.973 --> 00:16:26.442
  • - I would say kind of to thatdegree that my aunt said,
  • 00:16:26.442 --> 00:16:28.744
  • "you know what,
  • 00:16:28.744 --> 00:16:30.012
  • "one day there maybe more things--"
  • 00:16:30.012 --> 00:16:31.547
  • - Right.- "That I let you read,
  • 00:16:31.547 --> 00:16:32.448
  • "or let you see,
  • 00:16:32.448 --> 00:16:34.149
  • "but for right now,I'm just giving you
  • 00:16:34.149 --> 00:16:35.851
  • "what you need to know."
  • 00:16:35.851 --> 00:16:36.985
  • - Yeah.- That's good.
  • 00:16:36.985 --> 00:16:37.920
  • - And so, as my oldest daughters
  • 00:16:37.920 --> 00:16:40.355
  • have gone into differentsegments of life,
  • 00:16:40.355 --> 00:16:43.092
  • there have beenthings I've literally
  • 00:16:43.092 --> 00:16:44.293
  • sat down with and said,
  • 00:16:44.293 --> 00:16:45.494
  • "You know, I nevertold you this,
  • 00:16:45.494 --> 00:16:47.096
  • "but I think if I tell youthis now it will help you--"
  • 00:16:47.096 --> 00:16:49.465
  • - Help you.- Absolutely--
  • 00:16:49.465 --> 00:16:50.732
  • - "To either know I'vebeen where you are--"
  • 00:16:50.732 --> 00:16:52.301
  • - Right.- "Or know that I'm trying to
  • 00:16:52.301 --> 00:16:53.702
  • "protect you from somewhereyou don't wanna go."
  • 00:16:53.702 --> 00:16:55.237
  • - Right.- Yeah.
  • 00:16:55.237 --> 00:16:56.171
  • - So, it's been as needed,
  • 00:16:56.171 --> 00:16:58.707
  • for me as needed.
  • 00:16:58.707 --> 00:17:00.209
  • For my boys so far, withthe oldest one being 16,
  • 00:17:00.209 --> 00:17:03.879
  • I lend my explanations to whatI think it would be helpful
  • 00:17:03.879 --> 00:17:07.349
  • to know from my perspectiveas a young woman.
  • 00:17:07.349 --> 00:17:09.718
  • - Right.- Here's what
  • 00:17:09.718 --> 00:17:10.552
  • you need to know.
  • 00:17:10.552 --> 00:17:11.653
  • Now, I'm a lot more forthcoming
  • 00:17:11.653 --> 00:17:13.355
  • with deets than my husband is,
  • 00:17:13.355 --> 00:17:15.190
  • because it never fails,when we talk about
  • 00:17:16.291 --> 00:17:18.660
  • the birds and the bees.
  • 00:17:18.660 --> 00:17:19.761
  • (lady in blue laughs)- Yeah.
  • 00:17:19.761 --> 00:17:20.696
  • - There's this slow dawning
  • 00:17:20.696 --> 00:17:22.131
  • because my husband andI, when we got married,
  • 00:17:22.131 --> 00:17:23.665
  • we each brought a girlwith us to our wedding day.
  • 00:17:23.665 --> 00:17:26.468
  • So, there's this slow, andit's happened three times,
  • 00:17:26.468 --> 00:17:29.571
  • where we watch them go,they're a little uncomfortable,
  • 00:17:29.571 --> 00:17:32.741
  • and then I watched him go,
  • 00:17:32.741 --> 00:17:33.876
  • "Wait a minute."
  • 00:17:33.876 --> 00:17:34.910
  • (panelists laughs loudly)
  • 00:17:34.910 --> 00:17:36.612
  • So, there's an unintended--
  • 00:17:36.612 --> 00:17:38.113
  • - Yeah.- Right.
  • 00:17:38.113 --> 00:17:39.314
  • - We didn't really needto tell you, but we
  • 00:17:39.314 --> 00:17:41.083
  • you kinda gotta find out.
  • 00:17:41.083 --> 00:17:42.918
  • - Right.- And then
  • 00:17:42.918 --> 00:17:43.852
  • start the questions, you know?
  • 00:17:43.852 --> 00:17:45.220
  • So, my oldest daughter,"so where's her dad?
  • 00:17:45.220 --> 00:17:47.890
  • "and where" you knowthere's all these questions.
  • 00:17:47.890 --> 00:17:49.491
  • - Yeah.- And my husband
  • 00:17:49.491 --> 00:17:50.592
  • is always like,
  • 00:17:50.592 --> 00:17:52.127
  • "They don't need to know,they don't need to know."
  • 00:17:52.127 --> 00:17:53.395
  • And I always tella little bit more.
  • 00:17:53.395 --> 00:17:54.630
  • So, even with thetwo of us, you know,
  • 00:17:54.630 --> 00:17:56.431
  • us sharing, but
  • 00:17:56.431 --> 00:17:57.933
  • we always come back to.- You just continue, yeah.
  • 00:17:57.933 --> 00:17:58.934
  • - It will always come back to
  • 00:17:58.934 --> 00:18:00.402
  • whatever we do share,
  • 00:18:00.402 --> 00:18:01.670
  • what we can tell you that
  • 00:18:02.905 --> 00:18:04.339
  • when we tell you thatthere's God's way to do it,
  • 00:18:04.339 --> 00:18:06.942
  • we're not telling you thatbecause we did it God's way.
  • 00:18:06.942 --> 00:18:09.745
  • - Right.- We're telling you that
  • 00:18:09.745 --> 00:18:11.246
  • because we know exactlywhat the consequences are
  • 00:18:11.246 --> 00:18:14.249
  • of not doing it that way.
  • 00:18:14.249 --> 00:18:15.717
  • - Right.- That's so good.
  • 00:18:15.717 --> 00:18:16.985
  • - "So, do you rememberthat sister number two
  • 00:18:16.985 --> 00:18:18.854
  • "used to only be hereat certain times?
  • 00:18:18.854 --> 00:18:21.323
  • "And we'd do funthings as a family,
  • 00:18:21.323 --> 00:18:22.925
  • "and she couldn't come,
  • 00:18:22.925 --> 00:18:24.159
  • "because, she hadanother family."
  • 00:18:24.159 --> 00:18:25.394
  • - Right- That's not God's design.
  • 00:18:25.394 --> 00:18:27.896
  • So, we get to tellthem about both sides--
  • 00:18:27.896 --> 00:18:30.899
  • - Yeah.- Through them insights--
  • 00:18:30.899 --> 00:18:32.634
  • - Through, right,
  • 00:18:32.634 --> 00:18:33.902
  • through some things thatwe haven't told them yet
  • 00:18:33.902 --> 00:18:35.571
  • that we do when they'reage appropriate,
  • 00:18:35.571 --> 00:18:37.072
  • or some things in our casethat we have no choice
  • 00:18:37.072 --> 00:18:39.575
  • but to tell them, because itbecomes painfully obvious,
  • 00:18:39.575 --> 00:18:41.810
  • when they learn certain things--
  • 00:18:41.810 --> 00:18:43.111
  • - Some are the deeds- Right.
  • 00:18:43.111 --> 00:18:44.146
  • - Somebody,
  • 00:18:44.146 --> 00:18:45.514
  • (panelists laughs)they're just looking at us.
  • 00:18:45.514 --> 00:18:46.315
  • It's just been fun,
  • 00:18:46.315 --> 00:18:47.583
  • by the time we gotto the third one,
  • 00:18:47.583 --> 00:18:48.884
  • I just watched him.
  • 00:18:48.884 --> 00:18:50.252
  • It's like the sun dawning,(Laurie laughs)
  • 00:18:50.252 --> 00:18:51.186
  • he was like "wait a minute!"
  • 00:18:51.186 --> 00:18:53.255
  • (panelists laughing loudly)
  • 00:18:53.255 --> 00:18:56.124
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:18:56.124 --> 00:18:57.359
  • - There have beena couple of moments
  • 00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:58.527
  • where my son haswrestled with something
  • 00:18:58.527 --> 00:19:00.495
  • and I've been ableto share with him
  • 00:19:00.495 --> 00:19:02.664
  • that, "hey, I'vewrestled with it too,"
  • 00:19:02.664 --> 00:19:04.967
  • and I try to give himpractical illustrations,
  • 00:19:04.967 --> 00:19:07.236
  • examples of like,"I was about to
  • 00:19:07.236 --> 00:19:08.704
  • "walk into a situation,and I was afraid,
  • 00:19:08.704 --> 00:19:10.739
  • "and I was a little scared,but here's like what God did."
  • 00:19:10.739 --> 00:19:13.108
  • And I think it'simportant because
  • 00:19:13.108 --> 00:19:14.843
  • my son, and most childrenlook up to their parents,
  • 00:19:14.843 --> 00:19:17.579
  • they see them as this,kinda super hero figure.
  • 00:19:17.579 --> 00:19:20.616
  • If it's a generallyhealthy relationship.
  • 00:19:20.616 --> 00:19:22.517
  • And they kinda thinktheir parents are perfect.
  • 00:19:22.517 --> 00:19:24.586
  • And I think when parents canstart to dispel that myth,
  • 00:19:24.586 --> 00:19:29.591
  • children can really see that,
  • 00:19:30.459 --> 00:19:31.660
  • "Hey, this person isnot trynna give me some
  • 00:19:31.660 --> 00:19:34.429
  • "unachievable standard,
  • 00:19:34.429 --> 00:19:36.098
  • "but this is a person who
  • 00:19:36.098 --> 00:19:37.766
  • "has my best interest at heart."
  • 00:19:37.766 --> 00:19:39.701
  • And they get to see God,
  • 00:19:39.701 --> 00:19:40.869
  • God works at our weakness.
  • 00:19:40.869 --> 00:19:42.237
  • Now my daughter'sa little different.
  • 00:19:43.405 --> 00:19:45.173
  • As she gets older,I'm not even sure,
  • 00:19:45.173 --> 00:19:48.210
  • I'm gonna have to feel that out
  • 00:19:48.210 --> 00:19:49.544
  • to see how much thetransparency is a value to her.
  • 00:19:49.544 --> 00:19:52.614
  • She is a much morelinear thinker.
  • 00:19:52.614 --> 00:19:54.549
  • "Just tell me theright thing to do,
  • 00:19:54.549 --> 00:19:55.817
  • "and I'll decide ifI'm gonna do it."
  • 00:19:55.817 --> 00:19:58.086
  • That's probably her.
  • 00:19:58.086 --> 00:19:59.421
  • He's much more of a show me how
  • 00:19:59.421 --> 00:20:01.189
  • this is reallyreal, and when I've
  • 00:20:01.189 --> 00:20:03.825
  • let him into those experiences,
  • 00:20:03.825 --> 00:20:05.294
  • he's always like, "what?"
  • 00:20:05.294 --> 00:20:06.461
  • And I'm like, "yesmommy gets scared too."
  • 00:20:06.461 --> 00:20:08.497
  • And here's what we do about it.
  • 00:20:08.497 --> 00:20:10.399
  • So, I think it's important,and then as they get older,
  • 00:20:10.399 --> 00:20:13.702
  • you share a little more,
  • 00:20:13.702 --> 00:20:14.703
  • or you share different stories.
  • 00:20:14.703 --> 00:20:17.105
  • Crystal made thispoint that says,
  • 00:20:17.105 --> 00:20:18.607
  • "Hey, I share with you whatI think is gonna be helpful."
  • 00:20:18.607 --> 00:20:21.076
  • So it's not just a dump
  • 00:20:21.076 --> 00:20:22.477
  • 'cause our kidsprobably can't handle
  • 00:20:22.477 --> 00:20:23.912
  • everything about us,
  • 00:20:23.912 --> 00:20:25.514
  • but figuring out one ofthose valuable moments
  • 00:20:26.682 --> 00:20:28.817
  • to let them in and say that
  • 00:20:28.817 --> 00:20:30.385
  • "I'm telling you this truthbecause I know what it's like
  • 00:20:30.385 --> 00:20:34.556
  • "to struggle with thisand see God's word,
  • 00:20:34.556 --> 00:20:36.525
  • " or God's encouragement makea difference in my life."
  • 00:20:36.525 --> 00:20:40.095
  • (peaceful music)
  • 00:20:40.095 --> 00:20:41.830
  • Owning some of those things,
  • 00:20:41.830 --> 00:20:42.864
  • even in the small everyday life,
  • 00:20:42.864 --> 00:20:45.067
  • so me, my husband does nothave a spirit of tidiness.
  • 00:20:45.067 --> 00:20:49.371
  • (lady in blue laughs)
  • 00:20:49.371 --> 00:20:50.605
  • And he loves chaos, didthat sound biblical?
  • 00:20:50.605 --> 00:20:53.508
  • - I like--
  • 00:20:53.508 --> 00:20:54.643
  • - It sounded so good.- You gonna
  • 00:20:54.643 --> 00:20:55.711
  • have a sprit of tidiness.
  • 00:20:55.711 --> 00:20:56.945
  • Yes, so many othergreat spirits.
  • 00:20:56.945 --> 00:20:58.080
  • - Yes.(panelists laughing)
  • 00:20:58.080 --> 00:20:59.614
  • - We are working through theabsence of that tidy spirit,
  • 00:20:59.614 --> 00:21:01.116
  • and so my son and my daughter,
  • 00:21:01.116 --> 00:21:03.952
  • I obviously want them to have--
  • 00:21:03.952 --> 00:21:05.220
  • - Right.- Some sense of order.
  • 00:21:05.220 --> 00:21:06.922
  • So, I have to pull back on mine,
  • 00:21:06.922 --> 00:21:09.057
  • 'cause mine is a little
  • 00:21:09.057 --> 00:21:10.459
  • almost diagnosable,(Laurie laughs)
  • 00:21:10.459 --> 00:21:12.394
  • and I have to raiseit up from my husband.
  • 00:21:12.394 --> 00:21:13.962
  • - Sure- And sometimes my son
  • 00:21:13.962 --> 00:21:15.330
  • will say, "I will walk in,
  • 00:21:15.330 --> 00:21:16.998
  • "and it's my husband'sshoes and my son's shoes."
  • 00:21:16.998 --> 00:21:19.468
  • (Lady in blue laughs)
  • 00:21:20.402 --> 00:21:21.636
  • So, I'm like, "sonwhere do these go?"
  • 00:21:21.636 --> 00:21:23.238
  • "Well dad's shoes are out,"
  • 00:21:23.238 --> 00:21:24.873
  • and I go, "You're right.
  • 00:21:24.873 --> 00:21:26.341
  • "You know what, daddy hasa hard time with that.
  • 00:21:26.341 --> 00:21:27.843
  • "Can you help him with that?"- That's right.
  • 00:21:27.843 --> 00:21:29.111
  • - I said, "I bet youdaddy would tell you
  • 00:21:29.111 --> 00:21:30.879
  • "that even though hehas a hard time with it,
  • 00:21:30.879 --> 00:21:32.481
  • "he wants you to be better."
  • 00:21:32.481 --> 00:21:33.448
  • - [Lisa] Right, that's right.
  • 00:21:33.448 --> 00:21:34.950
  • - And so, there are littlethings that I have to own--
  • 00:21:34.950 --> 00:21:37.452
  • - I agree.- So, that
  • 00:21:37.452 --> 00:21:38.620
  • he doesn't getthis mixed message.
  • 00:21:38.620 --> 00:21:40.288
  • He come into my room, "whyaren't your bed made?"
  • 00:21:40.288 --> 00:21:42.224
  • I said, "You know what,
  • 00:21:42.224 --> 00:21:43.492
  • "'cause mama waslazy this morning,
  • 00:21:43.492 --> 00:21:44.760
  • "and I just, I laid init and got up and left."
  • 00:21:44.760 --> 00:21:47.429
  • And I said, "Let me make it up."
  • 00:21:47.429 --> 00:21:48.864
  • Because I want hisroom to be neat.
  • 00:21:48.864 --> 00:21:50.198
  • - True, right.- And so,
  • 00:21:50.198 --> 00:21:51.433
  • I have to findlittle small ways.
  • 00:21:51.433 --> 00:21:52.701
  • - Right.- And I'm wonna
  • 00:21:52.701 --> 00:21:53.935
  • see it in my daughteras she gets older,
  • 00:21:53.935 --> 00:21:56.338
  • to watch their tongue 'cause
  • 00:21:56.338 --> 00:21:58.006
  • mama struggles with it--
  • 00:21:58.006 --> 00:21:59.040
  • - Right- Mama lost some friends
  • 00:21:59.040 --> 00:22:00.175
  • with this tongue. (laughs)
  • 00:22:00.175 --> 00:22:01.410
  • So, even outside of thebig huge life things--
  • 00:22:01.410 --> 00:22:04.713
  • - Right.- Those small things
  • 00:22:04.713 --> 00:22:05.747
  • because I think
  • 00:22:05.747 --> 00:22:06.882
  • as soon as they see disconnect,
  • 00:22:06.882 --> 00:22:09.151
  • even in small stuff, itjust loses a trust factor.
  • 00:22:09.151 --> 00:22:11.686
  • - It does, when Ithink even the seeds
  • 00:22:11.686 --> 00:22:14.623
  • of big things in small doses
  • 00:22:14.623 --> 00:22:16.825
  • 'cause some things--- Yeah.
  • 00:22:16.825 --> 00:22:17.759
  • - Like in our little family,
  • 00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:19.261
  • we didn't have the benefitof time for some stuff,
  • 00:22:19.261 --> 00:22:21.463
  • Missy immediately was like,
  • 00:22:21.463 --> 00:22:23.131
  • "How come I don't havea daddy with skin on?"
  • 00:22:23.131 --> 00:22:25.700
  • And then, recently, she said,
  • 00:22:25.700 --> 00:22:27.002
  • "Mama, why don'tyou have a husband?"
  • 00:22:27.002 --> 00:22:30.272
  • And I was like,"Well, maybe you know
  • 00:22:30.272 --> 00:22:32.107
  • "how you go to the heartdoctor sometimes with me,"
  • 00:22:32.107 --> 00:22:34.409
  • sometimes when Idon't have child care,
  • 00:22:34.409 --> 00:22:35.644
  • she goes with me to myChristian counselor,
  • 00:22:35.644 --> 00:22:37.779
  • and puts on headphonesand watches a movie,
  • 00:22:37.779 --> 00:22:40.148
  • and I just told herthat's my heart doctor.
  • 00:22:40.148 --> 00:22:42.117
  • God uses her to help me have
  • 00:22:42.117 --> 00:22:44.319
  • a heart that's more like his.
  • 00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:45.754
  • And I said, "Do you knowhow we go to Miss Lynn,
  • 00:22:45.754 --> 00:22:47.422
  • "my heart doctor?"
  • 00:22:47.422 --> 00:22:48.390
  • And she's like, "Yes, ma'am."
  • 00:22:48.390 --> 00:22:49.591
  • I said, "Well,when I was younger,
  • 00:22:49.591 --> 00:22:50.959
  • "my heart wasreally really broken
  • 00:22:50.959 --> 00:22:52.527
  • "as it related to men,and so I was sick,
  • 00:22:52.527 --> 00:22:56.131
  • "and I wasn't healthy enough
  • 00:22:56.131 --> 00:22:59.334
  • "to be in a relationshipwith somebody
  • 00:22:59.334 --> 00:23:01.837
  • "who would've been my husband."
  • 00:23:01.837 --> 00:23:03.104
  • And she's like, "Oh,are you better now?"
  • 00:23:03.104 --> 00:23:05.006
  • (panelist laughing)- That's how its like, yeah.
  • 00:23:05.006 --> 00:23:06.475
  • - But she's beginning tounderstand, in small doses,
  • 00:23:06.475 --> 00:23:09.544
  • pretty deep things.
  • 00:23:09.544 --> 00:23:11.112
  • - Yeah- You're really
  • 00:23:11.112 --> 00:23:12.347
  • good at breakingthose things down.
  • 00:23:12.347 --> 00:23:13.582
  • - Yeah, I think that'sa constant tension,
  • 00:23:13.582 --> 00:23:15.484
  • but if we're mindful.
  • 00:23:15.484 --> 00:23:17.252
  • I agree with what'sjust as you are saying--
  • 00:23:17.252 --> 00:23:18.720
  • - That's right.
  • 00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:19.654
  • - When we share, how we share,
  • 00:23:19.654 --> 00:23:22.824
  • those moments are appropriate,
  • 00:23:22.824 --> 00:23:24.025
  • and they can be retroactive.
  • 00:23:24.025 --> 00:23:25.460
  • - Right.- Sometimes you go back
  • 00:23:25.460 --> 00:23:26.962
  • and say you know what Idid a couple of days ago.
  • 00:23:26.962 --> 00:23:28.430
  • - That's right.
  • 00:23:28.430 --> 00:23:29.664
  • - I think God is sogood and so gracious,
  • 00:23:29.664 --> 00:23:31.533
  • that in that transparency,
  • 00:23:31.533 --> 00:23:33.869
  • you actually buildmore trust sometimes
  • 00:23:33.869 --> 00:23:36.671
  • than you do with just truth.
  • 00:23:36.671 --> 00:23:38.173
  • - Right, that's right.- The transparency
  • 00:23:38.173 --> 00:23:39.307
  • actually helps more.
  • 00:23:39.307 --> 00:23:40.375
  • - [Crystal] That's great.
  • 00:23:40.375 --> 00:23:42.444
  • - I would love to pray with you
  • 00:23:42.444 --> 00:23:44.846
  • and for you about this issue.
  • 00:23:44.846 --> 00:23:46.948
  • Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,we acknowledge
  • 00:23:46.948 --> 00:23:50.118
  • that we are imperfect parents,
  • 00:23:50.118 --> 00:23:53.121
  • and some of us haveblown that really bad,
  • 00:23:53.121 --> 00:23:55.290
  • some of us have blown
  • 00:23:55.290 --> 00:23:56.291
  • so royally that we wonder
  • 00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:00.061
  • if we can even have afuture with our children.
  • 00:24:00.061 --> 00:24:02.764
  • Thank you thatyou're a redeemer.
  • 00:24:02.764 --> 00:24:04.699
  • Thank you that you promise
  • 00:24:04.699 --> 00:24:06.768
  • to turn ashes into beauty,
  • 00:24:06.768 --> 00:24:08.870
  • to restore broken things,
  • 00:24:08.870 --> 00:24:10.972
  • and so Jesus we justcome before you right now
  • 00:24:10.972 --> 00:24:13.408
  • as not only imperfect parents,
  • 00:24:13.408 --> 00:24:15.944
  • but as broken people whocan't make it by ourselves.
  • 00:24:15.944 --> 00:24:19.915
  • And we ask that youwould redeem our lives,
  • 00:24:19.915 --> 00:24:23.752
  • redeem our stories,heal our children,
  • 00:24:23.752 --> 00:24:27.722
  • and draw us closer to yourself.
  • 00:24:27.722 --> 00:24:29.424
  • Thank you that in our weakness,
  • 00:24:29.424 --> 00:24:31.593
  • you really do show up strong.
  • 00:24:31.593 --> 00:24:33.094
  • We love you, Jesus.
  • 00:24:33.094 --> 00:24:35.196
  • Change our minds,change our hearts,
  • 00:24:35.196 --> 00:24:37.732
  • soften our tongues, giveus the grace to pursue
  • 00:24:37.732 --> 00:24:41.369
  • our children andeven if they are
  • 00:24:41.369 --> 00:24:43.305
  • prodigals partly because of us,
  • 00:24:43.305 --> 00:24:45.807
  • and we claim,
  • 00:24:45.807 --> 00:24:48.009
  • Lord, that you willturn the hearts
  • 00:24:48.009 --> 00:24:49.411
  • of our childrenback towards you.
  • 00:24:49.411 --> 00:24:51.513
  • In your name, Jesus, Amen.
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  • - What I hope theylearned from me is that
  • 00:25:00.789 --> 00:25:04.225
  • life can be hard andit can still be good.
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  • It can be difficultand you can be looking
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  • for the answers, but youcan still keep going.
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  • And if you stick withdoing the right things
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  • for long enough, thatyou get the benefit
  • 00:25:15.103 --> 00:25:18.306
  • of seeing the fruitof your labor.
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  • - Before I begin,there's like a stigma
  • 00:25:35.590 --> 00:25:38.259
  • that's surroundingfoster care and adoption,
  • 00:25:38.259 --> 00:25:41.763
  • and no one, not evena biological family
  • 00:25:41.763 --> 00:25:45.800
  • is really in support
  • 00:25:45.800 --> 00:25:47.469
  • of their children beingadopted to a certain extent.
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